He thought of his childhood in terms of colors and scents. His memories were of the crystal blue ocean, the white bubbles in the waves that crashed against the shore. The yellow moon lurking behind a sheet of gray clouds at night. The hint of vanilla in Alexis' hair lingering in the air long after she left the room.
Stefan rarely recalled his childhood from photographs or anything that was real. Anything that could be felt or seen by his eyes. But holding that thin, fragile piece of paper in his hands made it impossible not to remember. Seeing the faces of his siblings, eternally happy on that scrap of paper, it all came back to him. The spray of the ocean, the intense glances across the chess board and the feel of Alexis' lithe body in his arms as he playfully carried her over his shoulder.
If Chloe hadn't discovered his journal, he wouldn't be so caught up in memories. He hated her for that. He hated her for being so curious, and for invading his privacy. Most of all he despised Chloe for the guilt that she stirred in his heart.
He could remember standing at his bedroom door, pressing his ear to the thick wood. There were overlapped voices engaged in a shouting match at the bottom of the stairs, and every so often he recognized Alexis' soft cries. Her shouts were always too quite to be heard. Her voice was always laboring to be strong and defiant. He had wanted to rescue her, to be her hero. But his own fears had kept him locked inside that room.
Stefan flinched at the memory of doors slamming and feet pounding and thunderous voices booming through the walls. He could remember running to the window in his bedroom, the one overlooking the shore. He could remember Alexis' hair flying wildly behind her head, a stream of auburn fire. Her dress was ripped at the hands of Helena, and it billowed around her body in the wind and tangled between her legs. Sand flew around her feet. She tripped but picked herself up again and continued toward the farthest end of the beach.
Alexis had run until she was nothing but a white blur to Stefan. He had climbed out the window, onto the balcony, and gripped the railing until the skin of his hands was white. He squinted to see her step onto the grainy, wet sand. A violent wave cascaded toward her and before the sound of Stefan's scream reached her ears, it had tackled Alexis and pulled her into the ocean. Her body flailed like a rag doll, and he could almost hear her swallowing the harsh sea water and gasping for breath.
He had never moved so fast in his entire life. It only took Stefan a few minutes to leave the house, run down the beach and dive into the water. It took him even less time to capture her body in his arms and carry her to dry land. But in that short time of thinking she might be dead, his entire world had crumbled. Nothing mattered. The sky wasn't beautiful, even though bright yellow stars were dusting the black canvas in shapes and patterns. He had never felt so completely alone, and then so overjoyed as when her eyes opened again.
If Alexis had felt half the detestation at the news of his apparent death as he had that night, Stefan would never forgive himself. He stepped onto the sand, walking further away from the house. He left behind thoughts of Chloe and his anger. Guilt was enough of a burden to carry.
~*~
She felt so foolish. Her entire life was about being as practical as possible. She wasn't the kind of woman that toyed with a man's emotions, the kind of woman that stormed out of her own wedding seconds before saying "I do." And yet Alexis was standing in the middle of a honeymoon suite, by herself.
It wasn't that she didn't want to marry Ned. There was a part of her that ached at not seeing a ring on her finger and her wedding gown hanging on the back of the door, ready to be packed away as a sacred memento. She would have gone through with it if something hadn't felt so wrong. Alexis would be Mrs. Ned Ashton if she could have looked out at the sea of faces in the church and found her brother, smiling with approval and love.
The smell of the ocean was different in Bali than in Greece, Alexis thought to herself as she left the suite and stepped onto the balcony. It wasn't as thick, and there was something softer about it. She almost missed the danger of her family's ocean. The familiarity of her and Stefan's beach.
Alexis kicked her shoes into a pile on the ground. She walked the short, wooden stairs that led to the beach. Her bare feet sank into the cool sand. Sharp pebbles poked the bottoms of her feet but she didn't notice. Her skin was chilled as she moved closer and closer to the dark, calm sea. The sound of gentle waves rolling and sweeping over the shore had never offered her much comfort, and it was even less tranquil tonight.
She stopped just before the water could rush over her feet. Alexis bent her knees and let her body fall limply against the sand. She settled there, sinking into the thick bed of grains and pebbles. The sand coated her bare legs and the pure white of her long skirt. She hugged her arms around her waist and shuddered. Alexis knew she should have been imagining Ned's arms wrapped around her, but it was the weight of her brother's arms she could feel. His body nestled on the sand beside her, his chin resting against her shoulder and his cheek warm against her neck.
Nothing about her wedding felt right that day. When she was a little girl, Alexis would ask Stefan what it would be like. She was missing the antique lace veil draped over her hair. There were no fresh wildflowers picked from the family's garden in her bouquet. But most of all, there was no Stefan.
Alexis lowered her head, unable to gaze at the expanse of endless ocean any longer. The sight of the yellow moon hiding behind thin sheets of gray clouds stung her eyes. She leaned back, able to feel him holding her and supporting her. She knew that somewhere, somehow, he was gazing at the same sky. He was inhaling the clean, salty air. And immersing himself in the sea they shared as children, and remembered everything.
~*~
There were not many days that Alexis could freely roam the house or the grounds without being ordered back to her room, and back to her place with the servants. But when the Cassadine family was hosting a wedding, she was even less accounted for by Helena and Mikkos.
She carried a small bouquet of wildflowers in her hand that she gathered on her way to the beach. Alexis placed them on the sand beside her shoes. She reached behind her back and unzipped her dress, letting the light fabric pool at her feet. She smoothed the wrinkles in the cream colored slip she wore underneath and laughed to herself. Helena would call it indecent, and Alexis was grateful that for once she could be sure she wouldn't be found out.
Alexis left her dress in a pile on the sand. She ran toward the water, stopping when a heavy wave came tumbling toward her. She braced herself and then relaxed when the wave died down, simply splashing her ankles with cool water. She squinted as the harsh sun distorted her vision, but Alexis was positive she saw a figure moving in the distance. A body being carried by waves. "Stefan?" Alexis whispered to herself.
He waved his arms in the air, signaling to her. Stefan kicked his legs and swam toward the shore until his body was easily carried. Alexis took his hand and helped him to his feet, brushing at the thick clumps of sand that clung to his skin.
"Why didn't you tell me you were going for a swim?" Alexis pouted, hands at her hips.
Stefan shrugged a shoulder. He walked past her and to the jagged rocks. He had piled a towel and his clothes on the hills, and after quickly drying his legs he stepped into a pair of pants. "I tried to," Stefan called to her, shaking the water from his hair. He ran to her, beads of water shimmering on his bare chest and arms.
"No you didn't."
"Yes, I did," he corrected her. "I walked all the way to the stables to find you. You were too busy to be bothered, Alexis."
A deep crimson blush stained her cheeks. She felt her skin burning and looked down at the ground. Alexis shook her head. She looked up at him quickly, eyes slanted in anger. "Stefan!" She hollered, slapping his arm. "You are not supposed to spy on people. You don't like it when Helena or Stavvros watches you play chess or ride the horses."
"What are you so worried about?" Stefan asked her, stifling a smile.
She shrugged. "What do you think I should be worried about?"
He smiled widely, teasing her. "You might be concerned that I heard you reciting wedding vows to one of the horses."
"Stefan Darrius Mikkosovich Cassadine!"
Stefan reached out, resting his palm against her shoulder. He massaged her soft, bronzed skin and said, "It's quite alright, Alexis, to have an imagination. You're a teenaged girl. There's nothing wrong with thinking about love and marriage, especially when you see such an extravagant wedding about to take place in the family."
She nodded, relaxing and pushing the embarrassment out of her mind. "I guess so. I like not being part of things right now because I don't have to see Helena very much. She's too busy with her hair to have time to yell at me. But I wish that I could have one of those beautiful dresses, and all of those flowers in my hair."
"Someday you will," Stefan told her, moving his hand until his fingers brushed through her hair.
"Do you really believe that?" Alexis asked, hopeful.
He nodded. He met her gaze, blushing under her sweet and intense stare. Stefan dropped his arm to his side. He turned and began walked toward the water. He smiled when he heard Alexis' feet kicking through the sand as she caught up with him.
Alexis tugged on his hand until he stopped and turned to face her. "Will you tell me what the weddings here are like, Stefan? I never get to see them."
"Sure." Stefan sat down on the moist ground, stretching his legs out in front of him. Alexis sat at his feet, her legs drawn to her chest. Her hair tumbled down her shoulders, framing her face with a mane of brown silk. "The weddings here are extravagant, and that is putting it mildly, cousin," he told her, amused by Alexis' interest. "The bride and groom are usually some kind of royalty. The ballroom is decorated in gold and white, candles everywhere. Every guest drinks from the finest crystal. Champagne is imported from France. After the ceremony, there is dancing and..."
"What?"
Stefan sighed and shrugged. "It is always beautiful to the eye, Alexis. But the weddings my father is host to often leave a lot to be desired."
"I think I understand what you are saying," Alexis nodded. She was silent for a moment, looking past Stefan to the main house and the men carrying bouquets of roses through the back entrance. "Do you think I'll ever have a wedding like that? I mean... I know I'm not a real Cassadine, but I was just wondering."
Stefan cocked his head to the side, scolding her with his eyes. "First of all, Alexis, you are a real member of this family."
"And second of all?"
"You will have a beautiful, lavish wedding, cousin. You deserve nothing but the best."
Alexis smiled. She nodded slowly, trying to find the confidence to agree with him. The way his eyes looked at her, Alexis would believe anything he said.
"You don't believe me," Stefan sighed, reading her expression.
She stood up, brushing the sand away from the back of her slip and her legs. "It's hard to believe you, Stefan."
Stefan glanced to the side and saw her dress lying in a clump on the ground, and a bouquet of flowers resting in the sand. He fetched both items and jogged back to her. He placed the bouquet of wildflowers in Alexis hand, posing her so that she held them against her chest. Stefan shook the sand from the dress and draped it over her head like a veil. He stepped back to memorize the sight of her, so grown up and yet so innocent.
"What are you doing?" Alexis giggled, leaning down to smell the flowers.
"I'm trying to show you what a beautiful bride you will be someday." He searched the ground around him and bent down to pick up a small, thing twig. Stefan bent the twig into a circle and took hold of Alexis' hand, slowly slipping the makeshift ring around her finger.
She admired the ring, laughing as she held it to the light and imagined a diamond sparkling under the sun. "Thank you, Stefan," she whispered, tears stinging her eyes. "You know, I don't think I want to get married if it means I have to belong to someone."
Stefan shook his head and laughed. "You are far too cynical for such a young girl," he told her, holding each of his hands against her shoulders.
"Well," she corrected herself, "I don't think I want to get married unless my husband is just like you."
"Why is that?" Stefan asked, his chest tightening at her words. He choked on his breath and tried to ignore how soft her skin was beneath his fingers.
Alexis looked at him as though the answer to his question should be obvious. "I love you, Stefan. You're my best friend. I don't know what I would do without you. I wouldn't want any kind of wedding if you weren't there."
He smiled warmly. Stefan framed her face in his hands. He bent down and pressed a firm kiss to her forehead, holding his lips against her skin for longer than necessary. He pulled away to look into her eyes and said, "Well, you don't have anything to worry about, Alexis. I'm always going to be with you."